Rejoice Sachi!
by Fimbu1vetr
Summary: Sachi and Black Cats face certain annihilation even with the powerful beater Kirito. But what if the Black Cats were given another chance?
1. Rejoice Sachi!

_There are spoilers in this, you have been warned. _

Aincrad, April 2023

Last time on Sword Art Online, Kirito dispatched some huge boss with a katana weapon with his not-obvious-at-all love interest Asuna-chan. Today, it's a year later and he's getting drunk with his unintroduced guild with a weird name, the Black Cats of the Full Moon.

Why is this happening you ask?

*In an animating studio*

"Okay guys, we're gonna make the best anime ever. I picked up the BEST light novel ever. It has an unbeatable protagonist, hot love interest, takes place in a MMO, AND it's a death game which makes it the best story EVER!" said the director.

"Sounds like a plan! But how will we animate such a masterpiece? The light novel starts on floor 74 and does all the side stories after the main story," said some other guy.

"We'll just do everything chronologically without explaining shit! 1 episode for each side story, except 2 for the Murder arc so it can be SHOCKING when Kuradeel reveals he's from Laughing Cotton."

"But that's against the rules! And how are you going to do Sachi's story in 1 episode?"

"Screw the rules I have money!"

And thus the order of Sword Art Online's episodes were decided.

*Scene Break*

Here's what should've happened at the beginning of episode 3.

A sharp clang resounded in the air as an ebony sword effortlessly cleaved through a wide eyed green goblin. A black piece of cloth slowly floated to the ground and Kirito picked it up. He sighed. "Man this labyrinth sucks, I still need 950 more pieces of this black cloth to be able to make my new coat."

Said gear in question was the level 45 Blackwyrm Coat. After all, our hero needs to wear completely black clothing and of course he'd already gotten the level 35, 25, 15, and 10 black coats.

"You know what? I think I'll just stay here for the next 15 hours killing these goblins to get my awesome coat," Kirito mused. "After all, Asuna loves dark mysterious guys…"

Anyways, while our hero of justice Kirito was fantasizing about the kawaii desu Asuna-chan, a scream rang out. "Oh my god it's a goblin with an axe!"

"Come on Sachi just charge and own that goblin!" yelled the guild leader dude.

"But axes beat lances leaderrrr!"

A group of angry goblins with swords, axes, and lances stood facing the Black Cats of the Full Moon. With the weapon triangle advantage, the goblins were nigh unstoppable.

"Rrraaaaaagh!" yelled an angry goblin as he swung his axe down at Sachi.

But Kirito suddenly whirled around and thrust his blade through the guard of the goblin, who let out a gargled cry and died.

"Oh my god! You're so AWESOME! Whats your name?" Sachi fangirled. "You need to join our guild. We have the best name, Black Cats of the Full MOOOON!"

"Okay!" grinned Kirito.

"Let's get drunk!" suggested the guild leader.

Then everyone cheered and Episode 3 began.

So, after a terrible hangover, Kirito met up with his guildies to discuss grinding. "Aiight guys, basically we're gonna go to high leveled monsters cause they give good exp and drops. I'll just stand in the front tanking everything and you guys KS me before I kill the monsters."

Then the thief dude was like, "But how are you going to survive against the strong monsters alone when you're only around our level?"

"Cuz I'm super special awesome. Now shut up."

So Kirito used his beater skills to beat monsters up for a month or so while his party members leeched exp from him. Then everyone dies except for Kirito because of his pro skillz. But that would be boring. So before heading out to the dungeon that would seal his fate, the thief guy went to the market to buy some supplies…

"Would you like to buy this beautiful red staff? Its hilt is made out of ruby, the gold pentagram at the tip symbolizes power, and the white wings bestow wisdom upon the user. I hear the weapon even lets you invoke magic in this world that has no magic…" said the salesperson to the thief dude. "Yours for only 500,000 Coll!"

"Hmmm, we just saved up 500,000 Coll for our guild house, but I always wanted to be a mage. Its my childhood dream! Fireballs and tornadoes here I come!" the thief dude happily yelled as he bought the staff.

As he took hold of the staff everything changed.

*Scene Break*

So at the dungeon, the genius thief dude opens the treasure chest, setting off the trap that triggers hordes of Monstars that will kill him.

However, this was not to be. The thief guy, who got killed in 2 seconds in canon, took out 6 red hilted blades out of his (now purple) robes, and threw them at a bearded dwarf and stone golem, instantly killing them.

The brown haired priest, formerly thief, wearing a golden cross necklace smirked as his enemies fell. Kirei proceeded to leap up onto a conveniently placed ledge to watch the group suffer. He called out, "Rejoice Sachi, for your dreams will finally be realized!"

Sachi was clueless and cowered behind the mace user as the monsters approached. The mace user was subsequently beheaded by an axe and Kirei cracked a Kirei smile.

Meanwhile, the horde of monsters was closing in and the Black Cats were getting owned. But suddenly, (the other) Lancer stepped up and shouted, "Lord El-Melloi! I do not know how I have been trapped in such a strange world. But, I shall defeat this rabble and demonstrate my (EX rank) LOYALTY and HONOR! Then I shall present you with the ze holy Grail."

So Lancer took out his yellow and red spears and started stabbing the monsters to death. With loyalty and honor mind you. Unfortunately Kirei jumped down and tripped Lancer, who fell down on Gae Buidhe (the yellow spear) stabbed himself in the heart. Being Lancer is suffering.

Lancer lamented in a lengthy monologue, "Do all of you really want... to win that badly?  
You all want the Grail so much?  
Even ... willing to trample on my only true wish...  
Do none of you feel any shame at all?!  
Unforgivable... I'll never forgive any of you for this!  
All of you monsters who'd disregard a knight's honor for personal gain...  
Let my blood stain that dream!  
Let the Grail be Cursed!  
Let the wish it grants bring disaster!  
When you fall into the frying pits of hell..  
Remember the rage of Diarmuid!"

Then Lancer died! But Sachi still needed saving so Kirito yelled some war cries and killed the rest of the monster with his sugoi dual blades skill and saved Sachi! /happy end

However, Lancer's last words came true and Grail-kun appeared!

Kirito asked Grail-kun, "Grail-kun!"

"What's wrong Kirito-kun?"

"I got Sachi's guild killed! How do I make up to her?"

"You're so hopeless Kirito-kun. Friendmaker!" A kitchen knife dropped at Kirito's feet.

"Eh?" Kirito derped.

"Go finish the guild."

But Kirito knocked away the knife Grail-kun gave him cuz he had his dragon poop sword and emo black sword (and cuz he doesn't want to kill kawaii desu Sachi). Grail-kun was not amused by this turn of events and summoned Zero Caster with his army of squid monsters with a laugh. "Hu hu hu hu hu!"

Making his entrance Caster shouted, "This world is so KUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRUUUUUUUUU!"

In response to this Kirito hacked the game and brought out Excalibur (SAO version) and his jedi lightsaber. With elegant grace he sliced through casters minions as if he was performing sword arts in an online game. Meanwhile, Kirei is REJOICING on the sidelines because Sachi is suffering and despairing.

Meanwhile, Caster is getting mad at Kirito for killing his KUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRUUUUUUU and kawaii monsters and formed his Cthulhu monstrosity. Kirei joins in fighting Caster since he can't rejoice if he's dead. In a corner, Sachi is crying and like "Oh no! We're all gonna die and I won't be able to marry Kirito-kun!"

In addition, since Kirito has the shitty SAO Excalibur, he can't excablast Caster. "Damn we can't win!" said Kirito.

So in an epic turn of events, Kamina's spirit appeared, came over to Sachi, and boldly stated, "Believe in yourself. Not in the you who believes in me. Not the me who believes in you. Believe in the you who believes in yourself!"

He said this while the best song ever started playing the background. And with such motivational words, Sachi believed in herself.

_Do the impossible see the invisible row row FIGHT THE POWAH!_

Kamina's sunglasses appeared on Sachi's face and she subsequently formed a GIGA DRILL BREAKER with her tears.

_Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable row row FIGHT THE POWAH!_

Sachi flew forward with her giant drill one hundred times her size and shouted, "GIGA DRILL BREAKKKKKEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!"

She proceeded to pierce the heavens (actually just Caster) who died screaming "This is not KUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUU!"

Then everyone was happy. But not really, since the evil dude Heathcliff came in!

"How dare you screw with my floating castle MMORPG? I shall use my admin powers to erase you!" shouted a red faced, indignant Heathcliff.

"Giga Drill BREAAAAKEERRRRRRRRRR!"

And then SAO was cleared and everyone was happy.

_Next chapter, read the amazing, original version of this "fic" that I wrote while raging about episode 3 at 3:30 in the morning. You're excited aren't you? Also, props to people who got the references in this. _

_And review if you hate or love me!_


	2. Randomness

The original telling of this masterpiece. Or rather a rant about episode 3 written in 10 minutes at 3:30 in the morning.

K so the Black Cats of the Moon people are getting owned by monster things but Kirito saves the day since he's A HERO. What a nice guy. He takes them to the best training spots and shit so they can get better and stuff. Sachi is also really cute.

LATER, dat thief guy opens the chest cuz he's a dumbass. BUT dun dun dun, instead of being beat down by the monstars (not a misspelling in ch 1, Space Jam anyone?). He takes out hilts that look like keys. Then, 2 lightning fast strikes hit the axe using monster (or w/e weapon he's using) and he dies.

The Lancer dude takes out his red and yellow lances and beats a few monsters up. Sachi starts falling in love with him after seeing his face. Since Lancer is being all badass he starts talking about LOYALTY and HONOR. Unfortunately he trips and stabs himself through the chest. Being Lancer is suffering. Then the mace and shield dude dies since seriously who uses a mace. Kirito signs in using Heathcliff's password and starts duel wielding Excalibur and his jedi lightsaber. He uses like uh, Eclipse and stuff dies.

UNFORTUNATELY, Caster appears with his army of squid monsters. Sucks to be the Black Cats of the Full Moon guild. Oh yeah uhh, Sachi is being useless. Then Kirei, I mean stupid thief dude that opened the box, is REJOICING about people and monsters dying. Uhh, what else should I put here… Caster made his giant Cthulhu monster so oh noes Kirei and Kirito cannot win! (Since Kirito's Excalibur can't shoot giant beams of light). OH NO DESPAIR AND STUFF!

BUT THEN KAMINA CAME TO SACHI AND SAID "ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH."

So Sachi used spiral power and made her lance into a Giga DRILL BREAKERRRRRRRRR. Sachi pierced the heavens! and killed Caster and his monster. She got to lv 9001 from the battle exp and beat the final boss . Now everyone is free and happy! Yay.

_/start rant_

_Okay I really don't know how I came up with this but I was browsing forums about episode 3 and I was PISSED OFF about the episode for several reasons. Obviously, they could've made Red Nosed Reindeer 2 episodes instead of 1. But if not, they could've removed the intro a la Fate/Zero to introduce the Black Cats and Kirito saving them. But of course they're just drinking in the first scene without a good explanation. The house buying part was pretty pointless considering they were rushing the episode. Also, a major reason Kirito feels guilty is because the Black Cats had a vote in the LNs whether or not to open the treasure chest. In retrospect, Kirito knew he could've prevented their deaths if he told the guild he was a beater. But in the animu the thief dude is like OMG treasure and proceeds to die immediately after._

_As for the fights, the Black Cats could've had more dramatic deaths IMO. In addition, the anime doesn't clarify that Klein duels a member of the Divine Dragon Alliance to prevent them from advancing. There's no way Klein's 6 member guild could've taken on 30 members of one of the strongest guilds. Kinda dumb._

_But one of the episode's biggest flaws is that the anime doesn't explain why the hell the episode is called Red Nosed Reindeer. Sachi seemingly just starts humming at the end of the episode for no reason. She actually sings in the light novels. This is the explanation_

_"Why did I only remember [Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer]? The previous night, Kirito said something to me, "No matter who you are, you definitely can make a difference in someone's life." Telling me that even if it is me, there is a place where I belong. After hearing those words, I was extremely glad and I remembered this song. I don't know why but it was probably because I kind of thought myself as Rudolph and you as Santa Claus... if I have to put it in words, you give off a fatherly feeling. My father left me when I was still very young, that is why every night when I was sleeping beside you, I kept wondering if that was the feeling that a father would give. Ah, okay, I'll start singing."_


End file.
